 |
| God sees all His creation, us included, as beautiful and worthy to be seen. |
With this new social network era, I find it interesting how many 'friends' a person accumulates and even more interesting how 'proud' some people are of the number of so called friends they have. I used to be one such person. I was actually in 'competition' with someone on facebook. And every time I saw his number increase, I would try to get more friends too. I could never surpass him though and it really annoyed me. The funny thing was, the other person didn't even know we were competing. lol
One day it occurred to me that I was becoming obsessed with a number and allowing that number to speak to my self-worth. I had to think about the truth behind the number and how many of those persons really knew me, and how many I would even want to know me, the real me. I think life is like the facebook network sometimes. We seem to have lots of people in our world but we can still feel all alone and unknown.
Am I the only one who has felt the pang of being surrounded by other humans, yet not felt connected? Have you ever stood in a crowd, smiled, talked, maybe even laughed but on the inside felt like something was amiss or you didn't belong? Sometimes it feels like there is a little Carol in me who is jumping up and down shouting, "SEE ME! I really want you to SEE me!"
I thought people didn't see me because they weren't looking, weren't paying enough attention. And this may be partly true. However, having recently completed a 2 year intensive counseling degree, which required me to look within and assess what I give off and why, I now know that a part of the reason people weren't seeing me is because I was hiding me.
I unknowingly walked around with a mask, showing only what I thought to be safe. I didn't realize I was holding back, I thought I was an open book. But then I saw the light, and the light set me free. I realized I was free to be me, the real me. Unfortunately, this realization doesn't immediately result in a completely open vault. Living in freedom, freedom from fear, freedom from people pleasing, freedom from trying to keep up with the Joneses, is an ongoing process.
It requires a willingness to look within, to pay attention to your heart, to be in tune to the things that hurt you, and to embrace healing from those wounds. It also requires taking that self awareness to the only One who can give you the wisdom, strength, and courage to live freely. As you lean into Him, He directs you towards the abundant life He has promised. And once you look within and submit to the one above, there is another step to freedom. You have to decide to be seen and invite others in and let them see you.
I am learning to let people see me, undone me, scared me, don't have it all figured out me. Can you see me? Will you allow me (and others) to see you?
This is so challenging for me 2 open self others and invite others 2 get 2 know me... This will be a forreal life long process for me...
ReplyDeleteGirl all I can say is well said and AMEN! AMEN! AMEN! I actually had a similar transformation while at RTS. I remember sitting at a table and a group of us were talking. I said ya most of my friends just need me, they are not really interested in finding out what's going on in my life, and how I am doing...they really just don't notice. I remember someone responding very surprised, "REally? ARe you sure that it has nothing to do with you?" Of course this was probably day 3 of the entire process so of course I was offended and defensive and said no, of course not! Now I am fully aware that others put my well being and myself last because I put myself last, and because I saw myself as last in God's eyes. Thankfully God is performing his redemptive work and there has been some definite change in the way I allow myself, my needs, my personality to bare weight in a conversation. Of course I do NOT do this perfectly, but those times that I can dance in the truth that God does delight in me(us)are quite wonderful! THANKS for sharing Carol..and I see you:)
ReplyDeleteI see you too girl. Thank you for this post. I'm going to share it on my blog. I too thought I was an open book...until a 2007 review with my job in the areas of personal development and growth and the feedback good friends, peers and co-workers gave totally changed things. The woman who thought she was real, transparent and available was actually being experienced by others as not open, hiding parts of herself, having a mask up. I was in shock! I was like, "I'm not fake, I'm not fake!" Being fake has nothing to with it. Being your true self has everything to do with it instead. And I wasn't being true. I had a nice, neat little working professional world and neat little relational, friend world and a neat family world and everything seemed to have its place. But I wasn't healthy, in so many ways, and I wasn't whole. And my attempts to appear as such came from my hurts that I didn't even realize I was hiding from myself, hurts like my father's death in 2005, broken, changing and transitional relationships, a busy life that hid a wounded soul, an unhealthy physical me, an overweight me, an undisciplined me. But people saw. And they knew they weren't experiencing the real me. So, my process of transformation has been five years in the making and it's still taking place. I'm grateful for each redemptive touch God has brought into my life to open me up to opening myself up to the world around me, namely my friends, family and those I deeply desire to share my world with. And my writing has been extremely necessary and required in the process. Continue writing as you are. More of you and sharing you with others will come through your words.
ReplyDelete