Just a Daughter

Just a Daughter

Mother’s Day typically brings a mixed bag of emotions for me. Yet through it all, I give thanks.

The world, or at least the region I live in, tells you on Mother’s Day to honour the woman who brought you into the world and/or raised and nurtured you. However, truth is that we live in a world where mother-child relationships are not all equal. They range from bestest friends to arch enemies to non-existent due to death or abandonment - physical or emotional. For those on the high end of the spectrum, Mother’s Day is a joyous opportunity to shower a gem of a woman with tangible and intangible expressions of love. However, for those that experience(d) a relationship further along the spectrum, it can be difficult to honour mother (even though it’s also a Biblical command) because it feels more like pretend, keep up appearances, or at best, call those things that be not as if they are.

I must admit, even though my mother and I are far from arch enemies and abandonment is too severe a term to describe our relationship, the expectations of Mother’s Day have caused me to wrestle with my intense need to be authentic and my deep-seated opposition to doing something just because it is expected. Consequently, I have personally struggled with this day for most of my adult life. Through a long and arduous process involving multiple conversations with my Heavenly Father, I am learning to appreciate my relationship with my mother. This appreciation stems from Big Daddy continually helping me to view our relationship through the lens of God’s big picture and His purpose for my life instead of through the lens of the hurt child that felt she was the sacrifice for the greater good of the community…church…nation. And so as Mother’s Day 2015 approaches, I view it with thanksgiving.

Notably, my Mother's Day woes don't end there. For well over a decade, in the midst of reconciling my mother issues, there has been an added angst to Mother’s Day for me. I will call it the well-meaning Pause Pity Prophesy. Any woman over 25 years of age (or younger if you’re already married) who has not given birth to a live child probably knows what I am talking about. It happens a lot in church. Alternatively, it is experienced when saying “Happy Mother’s Day” to mother, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, or friends. This is how it goes: as everyone extends Mother’s Day greetings, they pause because they were about to say it to me but they mentally registered, “Oops! You don’t have a child.” So instead, they smile as they try to hide the sadness or disappointment or pity they feel for me and prophesy by saying something like, “next year I’ll be saying this to you.”

I am convinced that the Pause Pity Prophesy crew mean well and they are trying to be encouraging. But that awkward moment is simply that, awkward. I have accepted that without a doubt, whether you express hope that my time is coming soon or acknowledge that I’m like a mother to someone else’s child(ren) or say nothing, unless you are in my shoes OR we’re close enough for you to really know my truth and my faith, it is going to be uncomfortable. I can’t speak for every woman in this situation but I can speak for me. This may seem harsh but I really don’t want the pity (flesh) invoked prophesies and declarations that are supposed to be comforting but come across as trite. My truth is that I long to be a mother someday and in faith, I believe with all my heart that I will bring forth children from my womb. Nonetheless, until such time, I know that my life has purpose and I am fulfilling it each day that I breathe. Therefore, for all that I am right now, I thank Creator God.

I thank God because this year I almost gave in when satan tried to make me believe that it would be better to just skip church this year. Or just go to a church where I’m not known and people may not give me the Pause Pity Prophesy because they don’t know my story. Thankfully Big Daddy ministered to me and reminded me that He loves me and does not label me like the world labels me. In God’s Kingdom I am not labelled “single” or "married", “mother” or "childless", “rich” or "poor", “famous” or "insignificant". I am simply “BELOVED”.  Therefore, just as year after year I rose above the noise of “when are you going to get married…you’re getting old…you need to stop being picky i.e. settle” and continued to live purposefully as an woman of God who was unmarried, I will live joyously and purposefully as a woman of God who is married with no biological children. Every day that I have breath, I will live out 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “ Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Purpose Ain't Easy

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My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine. Matthew 26:39

My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done. Matthew 26:42b

We live in a fallen world, life is hard, people are complex, relationships (familial, platonic, and romantic) are complicated. Yet God calls His people to submit to Him, walk in obedience and joyfully follow His plan for their lives. If Jesus is our model, we see from the verses above that in His human nature, His flesh wanted to turn away from the plan but He pressed on because He knew that His purpose required Him to endure this ultimate hardship.

I got a reality check this morning as I read Matthew 26. I was humbled as I remembered what my Lord suffered on my behalf. In verse 28 Jesus tells His disciples, “this is my blood, which confirms the covenant between God and His people. It is poured out as a sacrifice to forgive the sins of many.” Jesus gave His life for me. He died on the cross for my sins. He loved me so much that He bore the price of my sins so that I may not live separated from God because of sin but may have eternal life. What an amazing thing!

To fulfil the plan God had to redeem the world, Jesus suffered ridicule and false accusations “But Jesus remained silent” (v 63). Immediately, I started to think about how I often want to defend myself, prove myself right or innocent or worthy. Yet, here is the One I claim to model my life after remaining silent in the face of accusations that are much more damaging than the petty stuff I defend myself over. These accusations would lead to His death! Yet, He remained silent because He knew that His purpose was greater than His image. He did not let pride hinder the will of God for His life. WOW! Now there’s a lesson in humility.

Jesus, the Son of God, allowed men to spit in His face, beat Him, slap Him, and jeer at Him and He did nothing to stop them. (vv 67-68) A previous scene gives us an idea of His motivation for allowing all this. In v 53, He admonished His disciple not to take a sword to the men who came to arrest Him. “Don’t you know that I could ask my Father for thousands of angels to protect us and he would send them instantly? But if I did, how would the Scriptures be fulfilled that describe what must happen now?” (Matthew 26:53) Here we see that the Son of Man knew that His purpose was bigger than this momentary discomfort and He was willing to do whatever was required of Him to fulfil that purpose.

Reading this was sobering. It reminded me that I too have a purpose. The route God takes my life does not always make sense to me but there is a reason for it. Sometimes the reason is not even for my benefit but for the benefit of others. I have a choice. I can walk in obedience according to God’s plan for my life or I can look for the easy way out and do what makes me comfortable. Experience has taught me that doing God’s will brings more sustainable peace than taking the road of least of resistance.

My choice: Purpose ain’t easy but I’m gonna walk in it regardless of the personal discomfort along the way. My prayer: Lord, help me when I am weak to do that which You have called me to do. In all things and at all times may I serve as unto the Lord (thanks LH!)

* All Scripture quotations in this post are from the New Living Translation (NLT)

Confessions of a Pharisee

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So......I just LOVE the way Big Daddy deals with me. He is persistent, yet gentle. This week He came after my Pharisee-like ways. And to make sure I GOT it, He showed me myself slowly at first, and then repeatedly in a short space of time. I got a taste of “He neither slumbers nor sleeps...” this week. Thankfully I know that He rebukes me because He loves me.

Here is the back story: I posted “Is Something Wrong with Me?” on Monday, September 12. It was a beautifully written (if I say so myself) piece about those other people who are sadly materialistic. I must say, I really liked that post. So when I received an off blog comment about it I was a little irked. Well actually, even though it was well intentioned and I knew it was well intentioned, that comment irked me a lot. So I had to pause and have a conversation with Big Daddy to figure out what was really behind my intense reaction. What I realized was that even though it is true that being materialistic (or thingsie like one of my friends calls it) is not a good trait, my attitude in writing the post was just as bad or worse. I wrote that post with an air of “I am a better than them because I get it”. The word that came to mind was Pharisee...I was being a Pharisee with my “I sure am glad I don't have the gatta get it, gatta have it bug”.





Interestingly, because God has a wonderful sense of humour, I had already written “Moment of Silence” by the time as I got the revelation on my being a Pharisee. So I figured I was covered. My thought was that if anyone thought I was being arrogant in the previous post, by the time as "Moment of Silence" hits the blog, they will think  that I realized my arrogance and ‘repented’. lol However, since I am walking out this share Truth plan, that could not really fly because truthfully, the arrogance I speak to in Moment of Silence is something different.



Walking the path of Truth by His Grace


That notwithstanding, I have a little bit of hustler in me and I was still thinking of ways to not really out myself on my blog….didn’t work. After the initial Pharisee revelation, Big Daddy softened the blow a little bit by reminding me that arrogance is really a cover for insecurity. So I was going to write a post that I was sure would garner some sympathy for myself as I vulnerably shared my very real struggles with insecurity and questioning my worth and wondering if I have any value. But you know what, I posted on facebook earlier this week that I need to go deeper and anything else is not acceptable. Then one of my seminary friends came in agreement with that prayer. Well, if you don’t know, God hears and honours our prayers. So He took me deeper, beyond hiding behind insecurity to a place of being honest. I had to be honest with the fact that no matter the wounds that have led to my insecurity, if I truly want to go deeper, I have to face how those wounds manifest in my life and deal with it.

Like a loving father, Big Daddy knows how to get me to pay attention and that is by repetition til I get to the point of “Ok Lord, I HEAR you, ya know.” So after I slowly recognized my sin, I then got lots of confirmation on my sin. Someone emailed me a newsletter with an article called “Woman of Grace” by Angela Thomas and she talks about acting like a Pharisee. I read a passage of Scripture on the Pharisees. I read a devotion and it talked about the Pharisees. And then, just in case that wasn’t enough, I turned on my television to Joyce Meyer this morning and what is she talking about? YUP! Her message was on being religious like the Pharisees and she quoted the exact Scripture that came to mind when I first realized my most recent Pharisee-like behavior. I say recent because as I was typing just now Holy Spirit reminded me that I have been rebuked on this before (lessons not learned will be repeated) lol. But you know the passage right, the one where the Pharisee and the tax collector are praying and the Pharisee is going on about how he is so happy he is not like sinners. lol

So long story short (after I’ve already told the long story haha) is that I must confess, I have Pharisee-like tendencies and sometimes they slip through in my writing. I have confessed my sin to God, and now I confess my sin to you, my readers. I repent of my religious arrogance and desire with all my heart to turn away from my sinful pride and walk in the humility befitting a daughter of the King.

[side note: the underlying cause of arrogance (i.e. insecurity) is still worth talking about so I may publish something on that next week…stay tuned!]

Moment of Silence

<EXHALE>

I think it's time for a moment of silence.
I'm tired of the sound of my own voice.
I find it to be critical far too often these days.
So just for a moment,
Let's have some peace and silence.

Phillippians 4:8 (NIV) reads:

Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable—
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—
think about such things.

For my purposes, I will have to add:
SPEAK only about such things.

I don't like negative, critical people.
Fortunately, I have the good sense
To realize when I am being one of those people.
I don't know why I have this air of
I know it all.
That is so unattractive.
Arrogance is so unbecoming.

I don't want to be that person.
Lord, guard my tongue.
Help me to exercise self control.
If I can't say something positive,
Help me to say nothing at all.
Father, forgive me for the ways
I have been unkind and disrespectful.
Thank You for reminding me that
I am accountable to You.

Readers, pray for me as I...