Just a Daughter

Just a Daughter

Mother’s Day typically brings a mixed bag of emotions for me. Yet through it all, I give thanks.

The world, or at least the region I live in, tells you on Mother’s Day to honour the woman who brought you into the world and/or raised and nurtured you. However, truth is that we live in a world where mother-child relationships are not all equal. They range from bestest friends to arch enemies to non-existent due to death or abandonment - physical or emotional. For those on the high end of the spectrum, Mother’s Day is a joyous opportunity to shower a gem of a woman with tangible and intangible expressions of love. However, for those that experience(d) a relationship further along the spectrum, it can be difficult to honour mother (even though it’s also a Biblical command) because it feels more like pretend, keep up appearances, or at best, call those things that be not as if they are.

I must admit, even though my mother and I are far from arch enemies and abandonment is too severe a term to describe our relationship, the expectations of Mother’s Day have caused me to wrestle with my intense need to be authentic and my deep-seated opposition to doing something just because it is expected. Consequently, I have personally struggled with this day for most of my adult life. Through a long and arduous process involving multiple conversations with my Heavenly Father, I am learning to appreciate my relationship with my mother. This appreciation stems from Big Daddy continually helping me to view our relationship through the lens of God’s big picture and His purpose for my life instead of through the lens of the hurt child that felt she was the sacrifice for the greater good of the community…church…nation. And so as Mother’s Day 2015 approaches, I view it with thanksgiving.

Notably, my Mother's Day woes don't end there. For well over a decade, in the midst of reconciling my mother issues, there has been an added angst to Mother’s Day for me. I will call it the well-meaning Pause Pity Prophesy. Any woman over 25 years of age (or younger if you’re already married) who has not given birth to a live child probably knows what I am talking about. It happens a lot in church. Alternatively, it is experienced when saying “Happy Mother’s Day” to mother, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, or friends. This is how it goes: as everyone extends Mother’s Day greetings, they pause because they were about to say it to me but they mentally registered, “Oops! You don’t have a child.” So instead, they smile as they try to hide the sadness or disappointment or pity they feel for me and prophesy by saying something like, “next year I’ll be saying this to you.”

I am convinced that the Pause Pity Prophesy crew mean well and they are trying to be encouraging. But that awkward moment is simply that, awkward. I have accepted that without a doubt, whether you express hope that my time is coming soon or acknowledge that I’m like a mother to someone else’s child(ren) or say nothing, unless you are in my shoes OR we’re close enough for you to really know my truth and my faith, it is going to be uncomfortable. I can’t speak for every woman in this situation but I can speak for me. This may seem harsh but I really don’t want the pity (flesh) invoked prophesies and declarations that are supposed to be comforting but come across as trite. My truth is that I long to be a mother someday and in faith, I believe with all my heart that I will bring forth children from my womb. Nonetheless, until such time, I know that my life has purpose and I am fulfilling it each day that I breathe. Therefore, for all that I am right now, I thank Creator God.

I thank God because this year I almost gave in when satan tried to make me believe that it would be better to just skip church this year. Or just go to a church where I’m not known and people may not give me the Pause Pity Prophesy because they don’t know my story. Thankfully Big Daddy ministered to me and reminded me that He loves me and does not label me like the world labels me. In God’s Kingdom I am not labelled “single” or "married", “mother” or "childless", “rich” or "poor", “famous” or "insignificant". I am simply “BELOVED”.  Therefore, just as year after year I rose above the noise of “when are you going to get married…you’re getting old…you need to stop being picky i.e. settle” and continued to live purposefully as an woman of God who was unmarried, I will live joyously and purposefully as a woman of God who is married with no biological children. Every day that I have breath, I will live out 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “ Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

Authenticity Check

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

This was my prayer last week as I embarked on Authentic August. I’ve been an Authenticity banner wave-er for some time now but recently, what I’ve considered as my authentic nature has been called rude one time too many. So I figured maybe, just maybe, I’m off course and need an authenticity check (similar to a reality check lol). Never wanting to journey into the land of deep discovery alone, I decided that as I did my research and set the record straight, I would share whatever I find with my cyber community so that everyone would know I am right. 

Well, enter this article, Is There Such a Thing A Being Too Authentic. I actually discovered it a couple months ago and saved it on my computer. I don’t remember how or why I came across it initially. But there it was, on my computer, as I prepared to begin my authenticity research. One of my favourite scripture verses about God answering before we call (paraphrase of Isaiah 65:24) comes to mind. Because He is all-knowing, He knew I would need to read this article again and had me save it so I could ‘miraculously’ rediscover it at such a time as this. As I read it, my insistence that I am right began to crumble. 

The parts of the article that really struck me were:

Scripture teaches us that truth and grace are not opposite ends of a spectrum, with "authenticity" parked closer to the truth end, maintaining a regrettable but unavoidable distance from the grace end.

Rather, truth and grace are both concurrent values on God's graph, and we are to plot ourselves into the graph so that what we say expresses both.

Too much "grace" with no truth makes us smarmy. 

Too much "truth" with no grace makes us jerks.
Withholding a comment or deciding not to correct someone’s error because of kindness, then, could perhaps not be seen as a mark of inauthenticity so much as a sign of self-control.

We want our words to be the truth, and nothing but the truth. But when it comes to others, love may require us to withhold certain opinions, to keep certain confidences, to edit certain stories. The authentic Gospel requires authentic believers to speak the (graciously selected) truth.

There ya have it…I am a jerk. I tend to give truth with little or no grace. I just always thought it better to be honest, even if it hurts. I was (am) the poster child for “the truth hurts…deal with it.” I even yearn for the honest unfiltered truth from others. And though it hurts and I typically get annoyed with the giver of that truth, I still love it. I love it because after the annoyance leaves me, I accept the truth of what was said and use it as a growth point. That notwithstanding, I am now realizing that truth without grace is not godly…and I desperately want to represent my Father well in all that I do. Therefore, change is required. {sigh}

Yup, I prayed Psalm 139:23-24 and God searched me and showed me that my skewed view of authenticity does not line up with His Word. Of course God doesn’t want us to be fake and totally throw truth out the window. However, He does want us to present truth as graciously as possible. Sharing truth in a God-honouring way will lead others to Him and His love and healing. Godly Truth is not designed to expose sin and depravity in a demeaning or shaming manner. As I search my heart, I recognize that it is never my conscious intent to demean or shame. Nevertheless, I now accept that due to my lack of due care in choosing the right words and using the right tone at the right time (adding grace to truth), my truth sharing can be more damaging than healing; especially in my closest relationships. 

These revelations about godly authenticity have brought me to a place of humble surrender. I let go of what I previously thought to be right and yield to God’s Truth. Although I surrender, I do not retreat. Instead, I commit to submit to the Holy Spirit’s guidance as I strive to live out of my new understanding of authenticity. I will need lots of refining in this area because the thought of changing my “tell it as it is” approach is somewhat overwhelming. Thankfully, God led me to a scriptural marker to undergird my quest to live authentically as He requires. This is now my daily prayer as I endeavour to be authentic.

"Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace."

Ephesians 4:2-3

From Expectation to Experience

Getting married at 40, I expected to sail pass the hard work of blending two lives and cruise into a smooth mature marriage. I believe that “faith without works is dead”. This translated in my life as “if you believe that God is going to send you a husband, you should be fully prepared when he finally arrives.” In preparation, I read a ton of books on dating, marriage, boundaries, and commitment. I observed and talked to married people, those in successful marriages, the couples with rocky marriages, and people who had thrown in the towel and divorced. I had a mental list of what to avoid and what to focus on. Based on my research, I had carefully created a vision of my husband and our marriage. I had a fool proof plan for a successful marriage. 

My plan eventually began to unfold when I met a man who had about 98% of the characteristics on my list. He was a good Christian man, I was pleased. He proposed, I accepted. We allowed God to be our Wedding Planner and it was great! We were dressed to impress, surrounded by loving family and friends. Our guests were probably more excited than we were because many of them had prayed diligently for each of us to find a good mate and they were there to witness the answer to their unrelenting prayers. All the ingredients for a successful marriage were in place and I knew nothing could go wrong.

 

Fast forward to the present. Ten months into marriage and I’ve had to redefine success in marriage. Even with all my preparation, marriage is so much more than I expected. It is a revealing, humbling, exciting, adventure with highs and lows. I have been awakened to parts of myself that I either thought had already died or never knew existed. Furthermore, the realization that there are aspects of the two-becoming-one that truly baffle me has challenged my arrogant I’m-in-control attitude and forced me to humbly accept that I need Jesus in a new way as I navigate married life.  Despite this, I am excited about this three-way sacrificial love journey. There are so many variables, so many unknowns, but one thing remains constant, God is for us and will never leave us nor forsake us. This truth gives me peace. Marital success is not what I expected but experience has taught me that success is simply trusting God with the daily details of my marriage.